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Meet the
Men and Women behind C.R.A.C.K.
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Name: Eric Tsang |
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Name:
Wong Jing Job: Vice President Duties: Who cares? If he's Vice President he won't make any movies for a while. The guaranteed rise in movie quality could single-handedly save the cinema. Qualifications: Gets the job done without having much actual skill...just like Dan Quayle. Gets attention, then runs at the first sign of trouble. Shameless, like a true politician. |
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Name:
Leon Lai Job: Chief of Staff Duties: Ordering everyone else around when Eric Tsang and Wong Jing aren't available. To look good in pictures. Is required by company law to bring Shu Qi by the office. Qualifications: Recently produced his own film, meaning he can do more than just stand around like a brick. Stone-faced acting style makes him impossible to read. |
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Name:
Danny Lee Job: Checks and Balances Duties: Keeping the rest of the team in check. Preventing Wong Jing from clearing the buffet table alone. Is supposed to watch over that Ekin Cheng guy. Qualifications: Thinks he's a cop, so will act like one—even when it's not required. Not afraid to get his hands dirty in the name of justice. Not doing anything else right now. |
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Name: Ekin Cheng |
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Name:
Teresa Chiang Job: Media Consultant Duties: To make sure everyone looks fabulous. Will recommend measures for beautification, even if the means are illegal and/or unethical. To stay away from Kenny Bee. Qualifications: Good at weathering massive negative publicity. Will put everything on the line. Doesn't care if you hate her. Obviously knows the right plastic surgeons. |
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Louis Koo Job: Official Tanned Individual Duties: No one really knows, but boy is he dreamy. Must garner female support, which will likely be no problem. Qualifications: How can women resist his lady-killer charm? Can even get heterosexual men to fight over him. So good looking that it's disgusting. His bronzed skin makes him appear godlike. It also frightens children. |
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Bobo Chan Job: Supporting Female Duties: To stand around in support of everyone else. To be pretty and attractive, while not necessarily possessing any talent. Must not overshadow anyone else. Qualifications: Second tier starlet status guarantees she won't steal anyone's thunder. Has been around for years, and is still barely known. Who is she anyway? |
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McDull Job: Mascot Duties: To appear cute and cuddly. To have a likeness that can be merchandised and sold to millions. To be likable and non-threatening. Qualifications: He's an animated pig, so this is a slam dunk. Has a proven track record of selling useless schwag to the masses. Looks good on a T-shirt. Edible. |
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Aaron Kwok Job: Reserve Mascot Duties: To appear cute and cuddly. To have a likeness that can be merchandised and sold to millions. To be likable and non-threatening. Qualifications: None, but he's only insurance in case McDull ends up in Wong Jing's BLT. Danny Lee will make sure that never happens. |
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Stephen Chow Job: Most Wanted Duties: To make as many movies as possible. To have his every wish granted by the movie industry. To hire Ng Man-Tat for his next movie. Qualifications: How can one man be so talented? So hot right now that it's sick. Absolutely superior to us common folk. We're like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. |
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Shing Fui-On Job: Ombudsman Duties: To hear complaints from individuals, and to handle outside distractions in an efficient manner. To make sure the CRACK team is not bothered by the whiny masses. Qualifications: So scary that no one will dare complain. Most people will run at the sight of him. The two or three people who did complain are now dead. We love him. |
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Chan Bak-Cheung Job: The Golden Hope Duties: To give hope to the masses, because if this guy is popular, we all have the chance to be superstars! Qualifications: Absolutely none at all, thereby proving that even the most unlikely, unattractive, and terminally annoying people can make it big in Hong Kong Cinema. Still, he's better than William Hung. |
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Karena Lam Job: Soooo adorable Duties: None at all. Her presence is requested mainly to add charm, talent, and beauty to this motley collection of good, bad, and frequently ugly personalities. An hour in her presence is like a ray of eternal sunshine. Qualifications: Just look at her. Further proof: Ekin Cheng is a better actor when she's around. |
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William Hung Job: Scapegoat Duties: To bear the brunt of all blame, no matter how ludicrous or unlikely. To never sing EVER AGAIN. Qualifications: Totally clueless, so he can handle this. Already blamed for bad Asian male stereotypes, World War II, SARS, rising illiteracy, and just about everything else you can think of. His fifteen minutes ended ten minutes ago, so he's available. |