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Review
by Kozo: |
Not
tired of them yet? Good, because they're back with
a vengeance. Those ubiquitous Twins invade the big
screen once again with Protégé de
la Rose Noire, an action comedy which attempts
to mix the old with the new. The old: a plotline which
draws from the popular Black Rose films from
the sixties, and a large supporting role for Teresa
Mo, a regular staple of early nineties comedies. The
new: the Twins, who bring their trademark cuddliness
to the roles of two black-garbed superheroes who fight
to free Hong Kong from...something. The identity of
that something is where Protégé
trips itself up, as the story of this obvious piece
of fluff is nonexistent as to be nearly offensive.
It's okay for silly Lunar New Year spectacles to have
thin plots, but when they're this empty and pointless,
it's hard to be nice.
Sandy (Charlene Choi)
is a supposed extraterrestrial who gets kicked out
of a shelter for pregnant single mothers because,
well, she's not pregnant. She ends up hooking up with
Gill (Gillian Chung), a ultra-talented school girl
who goes nuts and whups ass when someone says her
full name. The two start off as instant buddies, but
become rivals when they decide to compete for a mystery
apprenticeship and the free room and board that comes
with it. Hitching a ride with unbelievably wacky taxi
driver Jim Lo (Ekin Cheng, whose Chan Ho-Nam days
have never been farther behind him), the two reach
their destination, a gothic mansion/hideout for the
Black Rose (Teresa Mo), a former superhero who dresses
and acts like she's in the Hong Kong version of The
Addams Family.
Black Rose is apparently
unstable; not only does she flip-flop personalities,
but she also appears to be smarting from the loss
of a former love. After nearly killing her two new
houseguests, she turns to training and pampering them,
but not before they've asked Jim Lo to come to their
rescue. Jim does, and promptly ditches his normal
everyday wear for a costume that resembles Robin of
"Batman and Robin" fame. This leads to the
near-fatal sight of Ekin Cheng daring the Black Rose's
robot servant, Jacket, to attack his crotch. You see,
Jacket, whose defining feature is a pair of large
shears, safeguards his mistress and her young charges,
and as such is offended by any phallus-like objects.
Thus, Jim Lo's manhood is in jeopardy, if not by Jacket,
then by the Black Rose herself, who goes after Jim
with a large knife. Meanwhile, Sandy falls for Jim,
Jim falls for Sandy, and the heartbreaking past of
the Black Rose is revealed. At least, that's what
the DVD cover says.
Basically, Portage
de la Rose Noire makes next to no sense, and this
is BEFORE you factor in the climactic action sequences,
which are between the Twins and taller, sexier girls
who only make their presence known in the last twenty
minutes of the film. Apparently, the bikini-clad lead
baddie (Faith Woo) is a former charge of the Black
Rose, and she's angry for some reason or another.
She also leads a group of similarly-attired evil girls,
including director Donnie Yen's younger sister Chris
Yen, who plays a Gogo Yubari-like schoolgirl assassin
who whups ass convincingly. Exactly what these girls
are up to and why they're so reviled is a total mystery.
Basically, they're here just to be antagonists to
the cute-as-heck terrible twosome, which is probably
expected, but is hardly a justification for the incredible
nonsense going on.
Then again you might
as well kiss any reasoning good-bye, as it appears
that Protégé de la Rose Noire's
rhyme and reason was lifted from a Wong Jing filmmaking
guide, or maybe just The Spy Dad. Logic and
reason are hardly expected from this sort of automatic
nonsense filmmaking, but if you can't bring inspired,
creative silliness then you better counter with good
jokes. Unfortunately, the shtick that occurs here
is largely uninteresting, repetitive, or just plain
unfunny. If anything, Protégé provides consistent amusement, but most of that amusement
is of the "aw, isn't that cute?" variety.
It's cute to see Charlene Choi and Gillian Chung mug
like mad, and it's definitely cute to see them ape
Jackie Chan's moves from Drunken Master and Snake in the Eagle's Shadow. But that's all
it is: cute. Yes, the girls are adorable, and seeing
them act tough is a joy to those who enjoy Hello Kitty
death matches, but at the end of the day, this is
not what you'd call an actual cinematic experience.
There has to be more to a film than a couple of stuffed
animals.
Well, there is, but
it's probably not enough. Teresa Mo gratefully hams
up a storm as the Black Rose, and Ekin Cheng is a
good sport at comic humiliation, if nothing else.
There are also your usual movie parodies (Jackie Chan
flicks and yep, The Matrix again), and some
action to keep you possibly occupied. But again, what
makes or breaks Protégé de la Rose
Noire is not the quality of Donnie Yen's action,
nor is it the quality of Ekin Cheng and Teresa Mo's
performances. Nope, it all comes down to the fateful
question: do you love Twins? Do you find their bunny-hopping
giddy girlishness to be infectiously entertaining?
Or do the antics of two pre-packaged Cup 'o Noodles-hawking
girls grate on your nerves? If you can answer that
question sufficiently, then you may know if Protégé
de la Rose Noire will be amusing for you. It won't
tell you if the movie is good, because let's face
it, this IS NOT a good movie. But if you love (or
"luv", in the current vernacular) the Twins,
you might be able to overlook that. (Kozo 2004) |
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