Returning to The House Where Words Gather after an extended absence, it’s time to clear out the cobwebs and sweep up the dust. It’s also time to explain where I’ve been for the past little while. Please indulge me as I do it CLAUSTROPHOBIA style …
ONE NIGHT AGO …
Why, oh why, did I agree to carpooling? I already spend eight hours a day with these people at the office. Why did I allow myself to be trapped in a car with them for an hour each morning and another hour each evening? We really need to develop mass transit here in Canada. The MTR in Hong Kong is fabulous, so is The Tube in London. Why can’t we have something like that here?
Man, Jewel just will not shut up. Going on and on to her boyfriend about what she wants to have for supper tonight. She’s cute and all but, wow, that inane chatter gets tired after a while. Here we go … look at that bulging vein on Uncle Karl’s neck, he’s either going to have a massive stroke or he’s going to turn around and yell at Jewel to shut up. Same thing every single day. I wonder how long it’ll be before Mount Karl erupts. I put the over/under at one minute and fifteen seconds.
I hope I get home soon. I’ve definitely got to sit down and bang out a blog post tonight. Kozo’s been so gracious with his patience and beyond generous for not busting my chops for taking a long hiatus. Granted, I did have to spend a night at his luxurious Repulse Bay mansion but it wasn’t too bad. The only really bad thing about it was having Yotsuba stare at me the whole time. Just thinking about that creepy stare gives me the shivers.
ONE WEEK AGO …
Hmmmm, Pearl looks preoccupied. She’s probably distracted thinking about that guy who showed up at the office today to take her out to lunch. They’re probably going out. Damn, I thought I had a chance with her …
Oh well, time to move on and forget about Pearl. I’ve got to concentrate and come up with something for my return blog post. I still haven’t been able to think of something amusing. Maybe I should say that I went to America or Japan or England for “a class”?
When I did my old site, stories about marginal HK talent going to America or Japan or England for a couple months to “study” acting, singing, etc. were always good for a laugh. You were always left speculating why they had to be away from the entertainment circle for a little bit. Sometimes it would be because they were getting their image “enhanced”. Most times, it was just because they needed to get away from the grind but they — or more precisely, their management — couldn’t admit that they needed a break. It was always because they were “hard at work” improving themselves.
THREE WEEKS AGO …
Good golly Miss Molly, Pearl is looking mighty, mighty fine today. A month ago, she dressed like a dowdy librarian complete with old lady glasses. Now, she looks smokin’ hot. She looks a lot like that HK starlet … what’s her name? Karena Lam Ka-Yan. Yeah, she looks a lot like Karena Lam.
There’s either a man in her life now or there’s a man she’s interested in. Could that man be me? You know, Pearl is kind of nice in her quiet sort of way and this change in wardrobe does coincide with my arrival on the scene. Boy, wouldn’t that make being trapped in a car with people that I already see at the office for eight hours every day worth it? It’d totally be worth enduring the daily routine of Jewel’s prattling inevitably provoking an old guy rant from Uncle Karl.
OK, quit daydreaming. I’ve got to do a blog post but what to do, what to do? How about the old “I was frozen by the Kozo Entertainment Group” gag? No? How about a bit where I suggest I went away for “male enhancement”? Nah, that’s limp. I need to come up with something better.
ONE MONTH AGO …
Finally!
After a long wait for an installation appointment, I’m finally back on the Internet. I’m not going to be a contrarian-hippie and claim that being off the grid was “refreshing” but it was oddly enjoyable to not have TV or Internet for a little while. But, enough of that, bring on NFL Sundays, bring on new episodes of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, THE BIG BANG THEORY, THE OFFICE and LAW & ORDER.
I’ve also got to get online and see what became of the manhunt for Noriko Sakai. More important, I’ve got to see if Athena Chu has finally come to her senses and dumped that goofball Paul Wong.
Don’t worry baby, there’s more than enough room in my heart for you and your eight dogs.
SIX WEEKS AGO …
I just became a nodding acquaintance with my neighbour on the left. She seems like a nice Muslim lady. I’m guessing she’s Muslim because she’s wearing a head scarf. It’s not one of those full-blown burqas where you can’t see anything but her eyes. You can see her face and her forehead.
Not that there’s anything wrong with living next door to a nice Muslim lady but, damn, why can’t I ever get a hot-blonde Kaley Cuoco-type for a neighbour?
I saw my other neighbour a couple of days ago but he gave me the high hat when I gave him the ol’ International Rescue Tracy family head nod. Granted, he may have been preoccupied with wrangling the huge mastif he was walking. All I know about him is that he must be from Cambodia because of that small Cambodian flag he hangs on his front door.
Oh well, I probably would have alienated him anyway by doing something stupid like asking him if his name was Anketell Brewer.
SEVEN WEEKS AGO …
Driving on Highway #17 just north of Sault Ste. Marie, I’m scanning the radio hoping to find something to get a sense of the local culture. 
I land on a station that has light rock with some Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood type singer. She’s singing a song that has lyrics which include phrases like “I’m giving myself to you”, “I’m submitting myself to your will” and “take my body and my soul”.
Oooh, I start thinking to myself, is it my imagination or are those lyrics kind of explicit? It’s one thing for Lady Gaga to sing about “bluffin’ with my muffin” and wanting to take a ride on a “disco stick”. It’s another matter all together to be singing about allowing someone to do what they will with your body and soul.
As those thoughts race through my mind, the song ends and a radio station tag goes on: “You’re listening to CHIM (pronounced “See Him”), Canada’s Christian Radio Network”.
Oh, I think to myself, turns out there was nothing wrong with the song, I’m just a pervert with a sick mind.
TWO MONTHS AGO …
5:36 am: It’s a cool, crisp 8°C morning. The sun is just peeking above the Eastern horizon. It’s quiet. Through my bedroom window, I can smell the morning dew on the grass. I can also hear the tranquil sound of some birds chirping. The peaceful scene outdoors belies the clamour in my mind and in my heart. I’m leaving Saskatoon in a couple of hours. As is the case with any major life decision, I have mixed feelings about moving. I’m optimistic and hopeful about the future yet I feel wistful and, even though I haven’t left yet, nostalgic about a city that’s been my home for many years.
I turn on my MP3 player and the Steve Miller Band’s “Jet Airliner” starts to play. Before I went to sleep last night I picked the song to play first thing in the morning because it captures sentiments that I’m feeling as I start a week-long drive out to Eastern Canada:
Goodbye to all my friends at home
Goodbye to people I’ve trusted
I’ve got to go out and make my way
I might get rich you know I might get busted
I’ve got to keep on keepin’ on
You know the big wheel keeps on spinnin’ around
And I’m goin’ with some hesitation
You know that I can surely see
That I don’t want to get caught up in any of that
Funky shit goin’ down in the city
Image credits: Irresistible Films (CLAUSTROPHOBIA screen captures), Warner Bros. (Kaley Cuoco), Haus of Gaga (Lady Gaga)
