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Review
by Kozo: |
If
the Surgeon General ever felt like outlawing films
for their harmful side-effects, then he should start
with Wong Jing's Future Cops. This shameless
rip-off of the "Street Fighter" video game
is so egregiously bad that it could cause untold scarring
to those not forewarned. It's understandable that
audiences may want to give this flick a try. After
all, it's based on a world famous video game and has
more Hong Kong megastars than an issue of East Weekly.
Still, despite that - or maybe even because of
it - Future Cops seems destined for the
Cinema Hall of Shame™.
For the record, here's
the plot: the Future Cops (Andy Lau, Jacky Cheung,
Simon Yam and Aaron Kwok) are hot on the tail of the
evil bad guys, who are intent on freeing their boss
Ken Lo Wai-Kwong. However, said bad guys (led by Ekin
Cheng and Billy Chow) hightail it into the past. Their
goal: to brainwash future judge Yu Tin-Hung, who will
one day sentence their boss. They figure to get to
the guy while he's in high school, but can't figure
out who he is. The Future Cops decide to chase them,
but run into the same problem. If they can't find
Yu Tin-Hung, how can they help him?
So here's the solution:
they go undercover. Jacky Cheung disguises himself
as a high school teacher, hits on student Winnie Lau
Siu-Wai, and breaks into song in the middle of class.
Andy Lau pretends to be a student, meaning lots of
humor ripped off from Fight Back to School,
as well as a romance with Chingmy Yau, who's also
supposed to be a high school student. And Simon Yam
pretends to be Dicky Cheung's servant to help Cheung
fight off the evil bullies who torture the girly-man.
They also act silly, engage in extremely random and
mostly unfunny comedy, and generally make life hell
for the legions of paying consumers who would salivate
at the chance to see Andy Lau, Jacky Cheung, Aaron
Kwok, Ekin Cheng, Chingmy Yau, Charlie Young and many
more superstars in one single film. Those people got
their chance with this film. And, as they may have
discovered already, the chance was a wasted one.
Dead flies have more
going for them than the stinking carcass that is Future
Cops. Sure, there's some amusing action in the
beginning (courtesy of Ching Siu-Tung), but the novelty
wears off pretty damn soon. After that, there's an
action embargo for the next hour as the school shtick
and puerile situation comedy rule the screen. Cutting
your toenails with a dull x-acto knife would be a
hell of a lot more exciting than this "comedy."
Think about it this way: somebody actually said, "Hey,
let's make a 'Street Fighter' movie! We'll cast big
stars! And they'll all go undercover in high school
and harass the students!" Whose bizarre fever
dream was this?
To be fair, there is
some kitsch value in how incredibly messed up Future
Cops is. It's so bad, that it could almost be
fun. However, for the film to be fun, you need an
audience of twenty people, plenty of booze, and an
extra TV in case someone destroys your present one
in a blind rage. This was simply a bad idea, which
is no surprise since Wong Jing was involved. You'd
think that some of the stars would have some restraint,
but maybe they had bills to pay, or blackmail demands
which required the making of a video game movie littered
with Dragonball references and other movie
parodies. Or they could simply have been on crack.
Regardless, the combined synergy of many talented
(and untalented) people were able to give us this
movie, which surprisingly enough, did not singlehandedly
destroy the Hong Kong film industry. Normally I'm
not given to hyperbole, but there are times when I
refer to Future Cops as THE WORST FILM EVER
MADE. I'm sure there are people who disagree with
me, and consider the film a guilty pleasure which
can be mindless entertaining fun. Well, if you're
one of those people, then good for you! I hope never
to meet you. (Kozo 1996/2003)
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