I Love Wing Chun is not about some guy who's a superfan of the 1994 Michelle Yeoh movie, but it absolutely should be. A Singapore-Malaysia-Hong Kong production geared for audiences with low moviegoing standards, I Love Wing Chun concerns the exploits of orphaned Wing (ex-Olympic diver Tian Liang), who lives in rural Malaysia with his guardians Uncle and Aunt Chun (Yuen Wah and Yuen Qiu, making their seven zillionth film together). Wing is called back to the big city by Master Hung (Nat Chan Bak-Cheung), who's interested in looking at his ass. Yes, you read that correctly. Some years back, Wing's now-deceased father told Hung about a treasure map tattooed on Wing's ass that would be ripe for readability when Wing finally reaches eighteen years of age. Well, Wing is now eighteen. Time to skin that rump and get treasure hunting, right?

Whatever. That plot synopsis is alarming, but the film ends up being far worse. Master Hung dispatches a total loser (TVB bit player Damon Law Kwun-Fung) to retrieve Wing, and he drags along his three pals – a girl, a fat guy and a flaming effeminate – all of whom are played by actors unknown to the Hong Kong Cinema faithful. They head to the sticks, retrieve Wing, and then spend the next 90 minutes attempting to get him back to Master Hung for the big climax, which presumably involves the revelation of Master Hung's greed and the unveiling of Wing's ass. Sadly, the 90-minute journey is not one of those zany, adventure-filled road trips. Instead, it's a languid, totally uninteresting trek from comedy sketch to comedy sketch, particularly at a made-up tourist trap called "Wing Chun Street." There, all the jokes take the form of Wing Chun-referencing or Ip Man-parodying shtick. There are also cameos from TVB regulars, Malaysia stars and an Obama impersonator. If you're as excited as I am, then you've fallen asleep.

What's wrong with I Love Wing Chun? Well, everything. There's action, but it's minor and not worth mentioning. The jokes depend on wordplay, but the script is so preoccupied with explaining each joke that funny becomes frustrating. Also, the gags stretch on for an eternity, with the trip to Wing Chun Street rendered interminable in its sheer time wastage. There's some amusement for die-hard HK Cinema fans, with references to Ip Man, Donnie Yen, plus 20 years worth of Stephen Chow films. Hell, the filmmakers even bring back relic John Ching Tung to play the same character he did back in God of Gamblers 2. The whole Yuen Wah-Yuen Qiu pairing is another reference that owes its iconic existence to Chow. Frankly, if Stephen Chow decided to sue the makers of I Love Wing Chun for ripping him off, he may have a case. I Love Wing Chun probably won't make much money though, so Chow's time might be better spent counting his own cash. He should be done by 2046.

Who should be happiest with this film? Probably Pensonic Electronics and Hup Seng Deluxe biscuits. The two are among I Love Wing Chun's largest product-placement sponsors, and both get lazy and also repeated references. Hup Seng Deluxe biscuits, in particular, get the V.I.P. treatment, with Wing's nonsensical love of the blue-packaged biscuits built into the story via useless dialogue and non-stop screentime. At this point, we should just throw up our hands and go back to knitting, chewing tobacco or picking our toenails. Last thoughts: Director Choi Lik supposedly has a whole slew of films coming up, so here is where all hope dies. Also, if Tian Liang is going to have a lasting entertainment career, he better stop playing borderline mentally-challenged characters. Still, being in this film lets him share screentime with the magical subtitle, "Why do you piss at my ass?" The word "piss" is supposed to be "peek," but it's better with the mistake, plus they repeat it with variations like, "No one can piss at Wing's ass!" If I Love Wing Chun has a legacy, odds are it will be for its subtitles. (Kozo, 2011)