While I’m wasting time between my Italy vacation updates - a trip which, by the way, is now one full month old - I figured I could quickly discuss the progress or lack thereof concerning the site’s review backlog. After all, it’s that and the merciless day job that are keeping me busy. You all want to hear about it, right? It seems that Fiona Sit is interested:

“Hmm, why are those blog updates taking so long, anyway?”

It’s comforting to know that Fiona cares. I’m not too sure about the guy next to her, though.

After Udine, I added up all the films I’d seen and not reviewed, from the Far East Film Festival (FEFF), the Hong Kong International Film Festival (HKIFF), and just regular theatrical release. The number came out to a whopping twenty-five. Factoring out Coffee or Tea, which I mentioned in an earlier HKIFF post, the number dropped to twenty-four.

Now, some fourteen written reviews later, there are only ten left on the list. Of the ten, I have decided to excise three. The reason? I got sleepy while watching those three films, meaning three possible things: A) I may have missed something important while dozing off, B) any confusion I felt may be due to grogginess and not film quality, or C) the movies were boring, thus putting me to sleep because hey, a thrill-a-minute film would definitely have kept me awake.

This is what happens when a movie lacks action

Regardless of the reason for my nodding off, I feel it’s hard to let people know my opinion on a film if I don’t end up catching all of it. It’s not very responsible - though to be honest, I hear that a few Asian Cinema publications were written using this “I saw only half of the film” reviewing technique. I did it once, for a movie called Hong Kong X-File. The shame stays with me today.

I’m not a fan of partial, uninformed opinion. Hell, sometimes I even change my mind after seeing a movie three or four more times. The best example of this is probably Running Out of Time 2. At the time I considered the film to be a disappointment, but I now feel it’s a very fun, entertaining, and smart chase movie - albeit with an overly-arch sense of humor. Also, given Ekin Cheng’s career slide, I now feel like being charitable towards every film he makes.

The main lesson: I’m not always on my “A” game, and reviewing a movie that I partially slept through would be somewhat disingenous. These films deserve an actual viewing while awake and sober - something that will hopefully happen one day if they get released on DVD with English subtitles. If not, I’ll have to be content with the following memories, which I’m sure are wholly innaccurate and probably proof that I should change my profession to professional paint scraper.

Feng Xiaogang disapproves of sleeping at films:

“You! In the front row! Wake up!”

I’ll take his advice, but frankly, the director of The Banquet is in no position to ask his audience to stay awake.

Anyway, here are my mini-impressions of the three films that I fell asleep at. DISCLAIMER: the following mini-reviews are not really reviews, and fully belong in the blog format. That’s because I did minimal research, and made zero attempt to talk about the films or the filmmakers outside of my own instant experience. If I blogged about my dinner or coffee before or after these films, it may actually be appropriate because that’s what blog posts like these are like. Web Film Criticism 2.0: the online version of dinner and a movie.

Film I slept at No. 1: In Love We Trust

Yu Nan wakes up from a nightmare where
she appeared in a megaflop directed by
the Wachowski Brothers

Directed by Wang Xiaoshuai, this Chinese drama proffers up a particularly fun premise: adultery for a good cause! Basically, a divorced couple consider siring a new child to provide an organ transplant for an older one whose illness is fast becoming terminal. Of course, each person has a new partner, who may not go for extramarital action, even if the cause is a good one. Human emotions can be tricky things.

The great things about this film: the screenplay, the acting, and the approach, which sidesteps the Curse of the Asian Tearjerker(TM) and features unspoken realization and complex characterization in place of bile-spewing Oscar clips or egregious displays of weeping. This is a film about decisions, not outcomes, and it deserved to be lauded at the Berlin Film Festival.

I fell asleep when the half-hour setup began to drag. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure which couple I was watching, so I had to reacquaint myself with them on the fly. By the time the plot kicked in, I was hooked, but I do feel that I missed a lot. If I spoke Mandarin, I could solve this issue because there’s an unsubbed DVD available in China. I don’t speak Mandarin, so I am a waste of space.

“I told you not to fall asleep! Why must you make me so upset?!?”

By the way, this film featured small turns by Gao Yuanyuan and Tian Yuan, and stars Yu Nan from Tuya’s Marriage and - get this - Speed Racer! No Rain, however.

Film I slept at No. 2: Your Friends

No, they’re not my friends, they’re your friends

Shojo manga alert! Your Friends tells the could-be-very-sappy story of a disabled girl, her friendship with another girl who has a terminal disease, and her search for the perfect cloud to honor that friend. My description does the film an incredible disservice, however, as Your Friends is actually sensitive, well-made, and quite restrained - though the overt symbolism of the clouds was still a bit much for my sleepy brain cells. Your Friends sounds like a ten-ton weepie requiring about sixty tissues, but thankfully it stays restrained enough to qualify as something a bit more accomplished. I’m sure it would have worked equally as well as a manga, however.

This one put me to sleep immediately because it features lots of shots of clouds and blue skies, and only serves up tinkly music when it’s time to cut to a new segment featuring yet another of “your friends”. This is a flashback-filled tale with many young actors all wearing school uniforms. Not that I couldn’t tell them apart - I could, but after waking up forty minutes into the film, it took me an extra ten to realize that the film had shifted segments on me, and was concentrating on a new girl instead of a previous one, though one of the girls hanging around was the same.

What the above means: there were three young girls featured in the first forty minutes of the film, and not just two, but my nap required me to perform some extra mental gymnastics to realize that we were following one girl’s experience with two different friends, and not just two girls all the time. Director Hiroki Ryuichi made things even more difficult for my sleep-deprived brain because he decided to shoot his film in mostly long shots and long takes, meaning I had to wait an age for the rare close-up to get a good look at anyone. Frankly, the wait was sometimes so long that I was able to take a nap.

For the record: one of the three girls was also in Adrift in Tokyo - which I didn’t fall asleep at. There are also a bunch of boys, including a guy who was in the Nodame Cantabile drama. I’m not using their real names here because I didn’t do any research before writing this blog post - in which case I would have dug up a name or two. Call it me being lazy, but there are many online film reviewers who don’t do the proper research before writing their reviews. A note to those reviewers: we’re all on the same level.

Everyone in this photo has a film-related blog:

“We support Hilary AND we blog about Asian movies!”

I think the lesson here - besides check who’s writing those blogs you frequent - is that responsible journalism is hard to practice, and I’m not a complete saint in that department. Truthfully, Your Friends has plenty of fans, so my sarcastic sleepy-eyed review should be taken with a couple thousand grains of salt. Maybe our actual friends deserve to be insulted, but Your Friends is better served by respectful quotes like “a new wave classic” and “I see my friends in the clouds, too”. It’s better than the damning, “It was okay, but then I fell asleep” judgement that I would probably otherwise make.

Honestly, I will try to see this movie again someday. I’m getting a venti Starbucks beforehand.

Film I slept at No. 3: Ta Pu

If you cheat, they shoot you

The tale of a bunch of overage students taking university entrance exams in rural China, Ta Pu is a film definitely worth watching - but I’ll have to see it again, because this time I completely messed up and fell asleep a total of THREE Times during the film. The first time was about ten minutes after the film started, the second time was when the students were all sitting in a classroom, and the third time someone had already failed the exam and the other students weren’t doing so hot themselves. Not really a commercial film, Ta Pu relates a post-Cultural Revolution time in Chinese history, when all those sent-down laborers got the chance to get out of the sticks and get themselves their long-delayed education. NOTE: a friend told me that info and I remember it - no research required!

The message of the film seemed to be that the best intentions of Chinese youth won’t help them get into University, and lots of everyday, China-specific stuff will get in way of that new-fangled progress thing called an education. Yes, I’ve just insulted a fine motion picture with an insincere synopsis - but that’s what happens when you fall asleep in a movie and struggle to recall exactly what went on. The moral: someone should fire me from this website. The other moral: seeing five movies a day can kill almost anyone, especially a person who doesn’t sleep that much anyway.

The positive is that I stayed awake in Italy long enough to take this photo of Kelly Lin and Lau Ching-Wan:

Her hair is blocking Johnnie To’s profile

The negative: I totally shafted Ta Pu because of my nap attacks, and even though my memory seems to tell me that it was a film worth seeing, I can’t recall enough specifics to piece together why exactly I thought that. Rather than faking it and going for the three-paragraph review, I’ll come clean and admit the truth: I probably saw only 40% of the film in a lucid state, and my impressions are mostly gleamed from a personal fill-in-the-blank exercise involving the fest catalog, a blank notepad, and a diagram meant to describe the character relationships. I never did figure out all the details, but this is what I drew up:

I think it’s a dog

As punishment, I’ll promise to review movies responsibly, honestly, and with more integrity than I did last week. I’ll get started on it right away.

Fiona is glad we had this conversation.

“I’m Fiona Sit, and I approve of this blog.”

I figured I had to get this thing started sooner or later. I’ve neglected to write about so many things that this blog will soon turn into some sort of 20/20 hindsight memoir. I still haven’t blogged about the Aaron Kwok concert experience - and that was like 4 months ago.

“What, you still haven’t blogged about me?
But I’m just so bloggable!”

You sure are.

Anyway, since I’m now 10 reviews into the 24 movie backlog I’ve amassed - with absolutely no guarantee that I will actually be able to review all 24 films - I figured I should get started with the blogging too. It’s not like I have to get my whole trip out in just one post. Worst case scenario is I only get one part done and I forget the rest. It wouldn’t be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done online. The dumbest thing? Probably admit that I enjoy Seven Swords.

“Thanks! You may be the only person in
Hong Kong who still thinks I can direct!”

Anyway, on to the trip.

I think Hong Kong people primarily take pictures of two things: toys and food. Not to be outdone, I did exactly the same during my trip to Italy. I also took pictures of people and buildings, but I consider that a moot point because we all take pictures of people and buildings. I just didn’t take any photos of myself.

Regardless, this is a rare photo without food or Yotsuba in it.

In Italy, the cars are small

Not too long ago, I managed to journey to Italy for the Udine Far East Film Festival. This photo-essay is pretty much all I brought back, besides a copy of the 10th Anniversary Book and the Festival Catalogue, which features more information about Asian films than I could ever pretend that I know. And I can pretend that I know a lot.

Before I left for Italy, Yotsuba sat on my office desk with a couple of her friends:

Having a plush CJ7 may somehow be more
satisfying than owning the DVD

After we got to Italy, this is what she looked like:

“This canal behind me smells great!”

Yotsuba is a fine toy to bring on trips. Not only is she small and poseable, but she’s got an interchangeable head so you can pretend that she’s experiencing mood swings. It’s like bringing another person along, except this one doesn’t speak or hit you up for money.

Oh, yeah, I went to a film festival. From the outside it looked like this:

Nobody in this photo enjoyed Empress and the Warriors

The fest is located in Udine, a small city about a two-hour train ride from Venice. My photos of Udine are like the one four photos up: empty and quiet. Udine is a peaceful place, and much nicer to walk around in than, say Venice. Just compare these photos:

Udine

Venice

Big difference, eh? I’m not a crowd person, so yes, I much prefer Udine to Venice. So does Yotsuba. When faced with crowds, she gets murderously angry. This is Yotsuba with her unhappy face:

Someone must pay

I went to Venice on the film festival’s Horror Day, so I ended up skipping a whole day of blood and screaming and exchanged them for wall-to-wall tourists and overpriced gelato. One could argue it was exactly the same experience, only with more walking.

Anyway, since I was on vacation, I had gelato at 12:16 pm.

My crappy Swatch is proof of my poor eating habits

I had some nice food in Italy, too - like this insanely huge calzone that ended up counting as 2.5 meals.

I ate this in three bites

Of course when you’re on vacation you have to eat well. I was lucky and got to attend many nice dinners with insane spreads that tripled my calorie count. Like this one:

The reason for my current two-month period of fasting

If I were to rate my trip on the food experience alone, I’d probably give it an A-minus. I won’t give it a solid A because I never give anything a solid A. The film reviews I write are proof of that.

No trip to Italy would be complete without a shot of a gondola in a canal:

Rush hour!

A picture of a dog chained to a wall is required, too:

The black terror of Venice

In the interests of equal time, here’s a cat:

He’s relaxed because the dog is chained up

I also took a picture of one of these:

Vespa!

Plus another one of food:

To clarify possible confusion, I should note
that this picture was taken BEFORE eating.

By the way, the above picture is of wild herb risotto, and it was excellent - though a quick glance may make someone think ”partial digestion”. I shan’t elaborate. 

That pretty much wraps up Part One of my Italy trip. Part two will probably talk more about movies and my general impression of the Udine Far East Film Fest. Here’s a spoiler: I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, none of the enjoyment mentioned in this post has anything to do with Asian film, meaning I’ve broken the #1 rule of LoveHKFilm.com Blogs: stay on topic. The #2 rule is try to blog at least once a week. Looks like I’ve broken that rule, too.

Let’s leave with this photo:

Me and some guy I met at the airport

I hear he had a good time in Italy too.

One of these days soon, I’ll get around to updating this blog with:

- A minor photo essay on my trip to Italy
- A new edition of Kozo’s Shopping Cart of Crap

Somewhere in there I’ll squeeze in the 10 or so reviews I’m working on.

In the meantime, here’s some awesome personal news: my local 7-11 just got a brand new Slurpee machine:

 
My best friend this summer.

This means two things: A) now I can get Slurpees near my home to help combat the oncoming muggy days of Hong Kong Summer, and B) it’ll actually function properly because it’s new. A few years back, I tried out a Slurpee machine in Wanchai, but it was apparently old and ignored, because it dispensed a Slurpee that was 80% syrup and 20% everything else. After drinking that Slurpee, my blood sugar level hit an all-time high of 90%.  The sugar high was so great that I woke up the following morning in Aberdeen on a junk, sans wallet. At least I still had my pants.

So this summer, if I miss a site update, that’s probably where I’ll be: getting a Slurpee at 7-11. Maybe nobody else cares, but I sure as hell do. In my book, Storm Riders 2 has nothing on this news.

These guys probably wouldn’t care to hear that.

“No set visit for you!”

Hey, I went to Italy. Yotsuba went too.

 
I took more pictures of this toy than I did of myself.

Back from the Far East Film Festival, and already my calendar is jam-packed. Aside from a pile of stuff at work,  some social obligations, many loads of laundry, and the potential time-sink of Grand Theft Auto 4, I now have a review backlog totaling 20 MOVIES. That’s 20 films that I could potentially write about, starting with the HK independent movie The Way We Are all the way through Johnnie To’s Sparrow. In between are movies from Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia, and even more Hong Kong. I better get started writing. Right now.

Sadly, I’ll likely write about only 10 of the 20 movies, and leave the others to never, as I’m not sure what my memory capacity is. I didn’t take many notes, and am relying mostly on festival catalogs to refresh my memory. If I find that my impressions of any of the films have faded too far, I’ll have to throw those to the wind. Hopefully Sparrow won’t be one of them.

“LoveHKFilm.com can’t remember my movie?
Yay! That’s one less negative review!”

In any case, this is the other stuff I will do over the next two weeks.

- See Happy Funeral, Barbara Wong’s sequel to Truth or Dare: 6th Floor Rear Flat
- See My Wife is a Gambling Maestro, the new Wong Jing-Nick Cheung epic
- Skip The Forbidden Kingdom, because it’s leaving Hong Kong in a hurry and I know it’ll be on video damn quick. With English subtitles.
- See Besieged City, the Lawrence Lau-directed film that I missed at HKIFF because I was sick.
- Get a haircut.
- Go on a diet to shed some of the 50 pounds of cheese and ham I ingested in Italy.
- Look at the possibility of two more LoveHKFilm Blogs.
- Get coffee with a friend who I put off getting coffee with for over one month.
- Solve one of those pesky content sharing deals I seem to get roped into all the time
- Arrange for the LoveHKFilm Awards Jury Dinner. Hot pot is a possibility.
- Sleep. Maybe.
- Write a review and update this blog.

I may publish a few photos from my trip to Italy, though I must warn people that they’re not very Asian-film related. At the very least, I took this one:

Man, those are some huge lips.

Again, it’s been a while. Chow Pak-Ho wears the message that I wish to share:

I know one person who owns this shirt,
and about seventy-five people who should wear it.

Welcome to your regularly scheduled bi-weekly Damn You, Kozo! blog post. As usual, I’d like to thank Apple Daily for supplying all our photos. Frankly, they’re the greatest newspaper in the history of time EVER.

Kelly Chen’s facial expression shows her appreciation of my sarcasm:

“Do you have to be such a prick?”

On to the actual subject here: Man, I’m beat.

The Hong Kong International Film Festival has finally ended the majority of its program, and I have zero screenings left to attend. I saw some good films and some bad films at the fest. Most will be showing up on LoveHKFilm.com as reviews, but there will likely be a few that I don’t touch. One film in particular I don’t wish to review because I was so unimpressed with it that even writing about it makes me sad. Also, despite the general perception that I’m picky and mean, I find negative opinion tiring and sometimes more damaging than saying nothing at all. So…at least one film won’t get reviewed.

Shawn Yue is down with that:

“Man, that’s awesome! I’ve so got the munchies.”

I also won’t be reviewing another film, Coffee or Tea, until its official theatrical release because the fest screening had a temp music track that I found egregiously overblown. As a result of its completely overwrought music score, my perception of the entire film was probably affected. I would prefer to wait a few months until its finalized before I pass judgment on whether or not I liked it.

Also, I got ill during the fest and missed three films, including a couple I was really looking forward to. Those films were the award-winning Home Song Stories, and quite sadly, the Lawrence Lau duo City Without Baseball and Besieged City. I’ll have to check them out later, but my attempt to be timely has failed miserably.

I did drag myself out of bed those days to check out a few films that I really wanted to see, including Sylvia Chang’s Run Papa Run, but thanks to my lack of complete recovery, I ended up with a five-to-seven day period of sluggishness and discomfort I fondly refer to as “Hell in March”. As a result of the sick days my work fell way behind, my LoveHKFilm.com review writing fell way behind, and this blog - which occupies a lower rung on the importance ladder than everything else in my life - fell totally behind.

So yeah, I’m tired. This is what I look like now:

Permanent ink is a real killjoy

Film Festivals are tiring - and potentially dangerous to my health - but I have to say that I really enjoy them. Prior to coming to Hong Kong, I was never really partial to film fests, but after attending a few here, I’ve changed my mind. I now like film festivals so much, that I simply can’t go a whole month without a new one.

As a result, I’ll be off to another film festival at the end of the week, the Far East Film Festival in Udine, Italy, where I’ll get to see one of Johnnie To’s new PTU television movies, plus The Sparrow, and a bunch of other Asian films that I look forward to checking out. I’m not sure why I’ve decided to go film-fest-o-rama with my life, but hey, that’s where the wind is taking me right now: to Italy, and far away from Hong Kong’s increasingly muggy weather.

As far as LoveHKFilm.com is concerned, all this rampant movie-watching means that I should probably institute a 600-words-or-less limit when writing future reviews because my potential review backlog will likely number twenty or more films. The other option is to turn off that portion of my brain, not review anything, and just act like your average paying audience member. It could make me happier. Like this man:

Andy Lau is thinking of the poor people
who paid to see All About Love.

Also, during my time in Italy, I will be completely unwired. I don’t have a working wi-fi laptop, and I don’t intend to queue for public workstations so it’s entirely possible that I won’t be checking out this site, this blog, or the entire damn Internet for close to a week. Once I return from Italy, I’ll have a whole slew of Hong Kong movies to catch up on reviewing, including the sequel to Barbara Wong’s Truth or Dare, plus the new Wong Jing spectacular My Wife is a Gambling Maestro. There’s also that Jet Li/Jackie Chan debacle movie, The Forbidden Kingdom, to check out.

Considering the above, this may be the only time I update Damn You, Kozo! in April. I would say that’s sad, but anyway, most of the stuff that appears on blogs is extraneous and unnecessary, so we can think of this month as simply “cutting the fat” from this website and the World Wide Web at large. I’m happy to do my part to slim down the Internet. We should get an award for Bandwidth Conservation.

These guys are also enthused:

“We support your decision to conserve bandwidth!
Please stop this website and blog immediately!”

No problem. I’ll get right on it.

Last week, I posted the 13th LoveHKFilm Awards, so now would be a good a time as any to talk about the genesis and development of this not-so-prestigious event. Basically, there was no genesis. I made it up one day to add to my nifty new website because hey, I had time on my hands. When one is bored, they frequently come up with new and creative ways to pass the time. Just ask this guy:

“Whew! I have a lot of time on my hands.
Maybe I’ll take up photography.”

Pardon our interruption to beat a dead horse. Frankly, the above horse is so entertaining that I think I’ll be walloping it well into 2008. I have not yet figured out how to make fun of Isabella Leong’s recent media blitz.

“I get into the craziest messes! Silly me!”

Anyway, back to LoveHKFilm Awards. Originally I created them just because I felt like being self-important. Oddly, I now get occasional emails from people asking me when the LoveHKFilm Awards will get announced. It’s almost like the awards actually mean something. I’m amazed that such a thing would ever happen because my opinion is about as important as the person who took your ticket stub on your way into the cinema. Hell, his opinion may be more qualified than mine, because I’m sure he sees more movies than I do.

But nobody sees more crappy Hong Kong movies than me. At least, that’s what occurred with this year’s LoveHKFilm Awards, which I decided to hand out this year via committee.

Some background: back when I lived in the United States, I watched most of my Hong Kong movies alone, and what few I could catch with friends usually fulfilled one of the following questions, “Does it have action? Does it have Jackie Chan? Does it have hot chicks?” A few of my friends managed to expand their range to become partial to the fine work of Andy Lau or Sammi Cheng, but nobody would go out of their way to see My Sweetie with me, no matter how cute that Stephy Tang was. That was my life a few years back.

But here in Hong Kong I know a few suckers friends who will check out all the latest Hong Kong movies with me, up to and including such fine motion pictures as Beauty and the 7 Beasts and The Lady Iron Chef. Really, if you must test the loyalty of your friends, the surest way is to ask them to see a Wong Jing movie with you. If they say yes, then you’ve found a friend for life.

“Do you really think I care if my movies suck?”

Anyway, since I know people who are interested in seeing Hong Kong films, I figured why not ask them to help decide what 2007’s best Hong Kong movies were? Seven other such people took pity on me and agreed, leading to this year’s first LoveHKFilm Awards by committee. What’s the significance of this? Well, since it’s not just one person who’s coming up with these picks, perhaps this will be seen as more fair or balanced. Opinions are subjective, and mob rule consensus is always preferable to the voice of a single dictator person.

Kelly Chen agrees:

“Yes, your LoveHKFilm Awards are quite fair.
Now get your foot off my head!”

So, hopefully this will be the first of many “jury-chosen” LoveHKFilm Awards. I’ll describe the simple rules below to account for the few discrepancies that exist between these awards and the other, more official ones out there. At the very end, I’ll print my personal picks because then you’ll know how I voted. If you stop reading along the way, no one will blame you.

RULES for the 2007 LoveHKFilm Awards:

Films under consideration must have premiered theatrically or on home video in Hong Kong in 2007. Exceptions to this rule are movies that only found distribution in 2007, but may have premiered in earlier years. Examples would be The Postmodern Life of My Aunt, which is considered a 2006 film thanks to an international fest premiere or The Third Eye, which premiered at the 2006 Hong Kong International Film Festival, but only came to DVD in 2007. Conversely, Shamo is considered 2007 by some sources (e.g. The Golden Horse Awards), but since nobody saw it in 2007, it’ll be counted in 2008. It’s already a lock for Best Fashion Accessory.

In addition, for a film to be eligible, it must meet 3 of the following 4 criteria:

1. The film contains Hong Kong investment. Totally important, and a major reason that both Lust, Caution and The Sun Also Rises - two films passed over for consideration by the Hong Kong Film Awards - count here.

2. The film features a Hong Kong actor in a prominent, if not starring role. Probably the biggest film on the bubble here is Jay Chou’s Secret, which only has one definite Hong Kong actor - Anthony Wong - in a key supporting role. Both leads are Taiwan-based, so this movie almost got cut from consideration. We counted it anyway. Not that it matters because it won nothing.

3. The film features a Hong Kong director, i.e. a director who either hails from Hong Kong, or whose career is largely associated with Hong Kong Cinema. Ang Lee probably doesn’t qualify as a Hong Kong director, and neither does Jiang Wen. However, both their films matched the other 3 criteria, so we counted them both. Make sense?

4. It must feature a Chinese language prominently. A movie like The Touch would still get consideration despite being shot in English, because it fulfills the three of the four above criteria. However, My Blueberry Nights would get knocked out because it’s all in English and doesn’t have a Hong Kong actor. Wong Kar-Wai doesn’t need our help, anyway.

The above rules didn’t prevent some issues from occurring. One major issue was whether or not to let Lust, Caution in, not only because of its lack of inclusion in all of Hong Kong’s film awards, but also because if it were allowed in, it might sweep everything and make us look like one of your typical snooty awards societies. Well, we did leave it in, and it did win everything. My curiosity demands that we do a hypothetical do-over to see what would occur in a world without Ang Lee.

Also, to be clear about something: not everyone in the jury saw every film that was eligible for inclusion. I myself missed two films, House of the Invisibles and Fear Factors, but that’s not that big a deal because nobody else on the jury saw them either, and I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that neither film would be giving Lust, Caution a run for its money. All jury members saw the majority of the films, and most saw any film up for a quality award (i.e., not some jokey or crappy award). I myself saw every single film under consideration, including that terrible Francis Ng film The Closet.

The problem that does exist though, is that means a film can be hurt by not enough people seeing it. This was possibly the case for The Sun Also Rises, which was seen by a little over half of the jury, but not by all. As a result, I did some awesome mathematical re-jiggering (Whoops! Are we allowed to use that word anymore? PC Police, help me out!) to make sure lesser-seen films had extra representation. The solution probably wasn’t foolproof, but hey, we did the best we can. It’s not like anyone around here got paid.

Though it must be noted: one person on the jury did not see Lust, Caution, which means that every other vote for Lust, Caution got an extra boost. That boost could have propelled it past Hooked on You, which had nearly the same score as Lust, Caution and was seen by the entire jury. So, if the last person had seen Lust, Caution and had decided that it was complete and utter crap, they would have not given it any points, thus making Hooked on You the winner of our Best Picture award. Add to this the fact that the person who didn’t see Lust, Caution opted out due to disinterest, and you have the definite possibility that Hooked on You wins Best Picture.

All things considered, it’s possible that Hooked on You got robbed by the LoveHKFilm Awards.

“What? My movie got robbed
by your crappy awards? Screw you, Kozo!”

Anyway, here are my personal picks for the LoveHKFilm Awards:

The 10 Best Films:
1. Lust, Caution
2. Mad Detective
3. Hooked on You
4. The Sun Also Rises
5. Exodus
6. Mr. Cinema
7. The Postmodern Life of My Aunt
8. The Pye-Dog
9. Magic Boy
10. The Detective

The 10 Worst Films:
1. Wonder Women
2. Anna & Anna
3. The Drummer
4. House of Mahjong
5. Kung Fu Mahjong 3 - The Final Duel
6. Beauty and the 7 Beasts
7. Love Is Not All Around
8. Kung Fu Fighter
9. Sweet Revenge
10. Super Fans

Best Actor: Tony Leung Chiu-Wai (Lust, Caution)
Best Actress: Siqin Gaowa (Postmodern Life of My Aunt)
Best Supporting Actor: Ronald Cheng (Mr. Cinema)
Best Supporting Actress: Teresa Mo (Mr. Cinema)
Best Director : Jiang Wen (The Sun Also Rises)
Best Screenplay: Wai Ka-Fai, Au Kin-Yee (Mad Detective)
Best New Artist: Tang Wei (Lust, Caution)
Most Underrated Film: Magic Boy
Most Overrated Film: The Warlords
Most Bizarre Film: Ming Ming
Biggest Disappointment: Blood Brothers
Best Action: Invisible Target
Best Production Values: Warlords
Worst Production Values: House of Mahjong
Most Underrated Performer: Eason Chan (Hooked on You)
Funniest Performer: Louis Koo (Triangle)
Best Overacting: Chow Yun-Fat (The Postmodern Life of My Aunt)
Worst Overacting: Tony Leung Ka-Fai (The Drummer)
Taking Up Space: Tsui Tin Yau (Who’s Next)
Career Suicide: Barbara Wong (Wonder Women)

And, to honor the old Webmaster-only LoveHKFilm Awards and its silly categories:

Most Annoying: Jim Chim Sui-Man (Simply Actors)
Most Charismatic: Guey Lun-Mei (Secret)
Most Loveable: Kate Yeung (Magic Boy)
Missing in Action: Anita Yuen Wing-Yee (Protege)
Funniest Film: In Love with the Dead
Entertainer of the Year: Eason Chan, even if he did appear in Brothers
The Special Award: Wonder Women, because it was so very, very, very special
The Winner of Many of Next Year’s Awards: Edison Chen, for a zillion obvious reasons

Anyway, that’s it for this year’s LoveHKFilm Awards. Startling and scandalous, wasn’t it? Well, probably not, because these awards aren’t official and will likely be ignored by everyone in the Hong Kong entertainment industry. But hey, it was interesting, right?

“No, it wasn’t, and never claim that it was again. Got it?”

Sorry, man.

The LoveHKFilm Awards are being announced today, which I’m sure is so exciting that it’s got the attention of hordes of people. Here’s a look at a crowd anxiously awaiting the results:

Ooooo! LoveHKFilm Awards!

This was the first year I did a nomination-and-selection-by-jury sort of thing, and I could probably write a whole post about the actual behind-the-scenes experience. I won’t though, because full disclosure on the ins and outs of running LoveHKFilm.com is impossible - not to mention possibly damaging. Over the years, I’ve learned that I can’t talk about all the little things that happen around this website because I may inadvertently step on someone else’s toes, or hurt the feelings of those whose personal sensitivity needs to be taken down a notch. Decipher that however you wish.

Edison wants you to stop the hate

Originally, I was a little more forthcoming about my personal life in the Life with Kozo columns. One reader even wrote in to tell me that Life with Kozo was much more “warm” than the Damn You, Kozo! replacement, and I happen to agree. Life with Kozo really was a personal column because LoveHKFilm.com was created as a personal website. My personal experiences and interests really helped determine a great deal of this site’s initial content. Even the most minor words on this site sometimes had a personal reason behind them.

Since those early days, traffic and readership has grown, so I’ve kind of adjusted. It’s now my primary objective to write about what people want rather than what I want to talk about. I’ve tried to put my personal obsessions aside, and instead have attempted to make sure that whatever gets printed on this site is accessible and fair to the people visiting it. So, even if I do make minor personal asides on this website, I don’t let it get in the way of why people come here in the first place: to read about Hong Kong movies.

At least, that’s what I try to do.

“Kozo cares about the reader. Remember that!”

Also, in the past six years my daily life has changed to the point where it’s regularly identified with this website, so if I talk about personal stuff online it could possibly affect the people I interact with daily. When I had no job and ran this thing from my bedroom, there was little danger of anyone being affected, but now that I work in an office of 100+ people and regularly deal with people who read or can choose to read this website, I have to rein things in a little. As a result, there are no columns like this one, which I strangely took the time to read the other day. That’s fine, because nobody who reads this site should really care about my mid-life crises.

Oddly, I found that I really enjoyed reading that previous column. It was about me though, so I’m heavily biased. That’s the curse of the “all about me” blogsphere.

I admire myself in much the same way that this guy admires himself

Anyway, the reason for this little trip down Life with Kozo lane is because someone asked me why I chose March 15 for the day to release the LoveHKFilm Awards. Well, if someone wishes to know the general significance of March 15, they can always check Wikipedia.

My personal response to the above question was that it was a convenient day because it was 3 weeks after the announcement of the nominations. But I have to admit, when I originally looked at the calendar to choose a day for the award announcement, March 15 leapt out very, very quickly. This is why:

WARNING!
Self-indulgent
personal memory ahead.
Turn back if you’re
determined not to care.

As I mentioned above, even the smaller decisions on this website have a personal reason. My decision to select March 15 as the award roll-out date is one of them. A former high school friend of mine once claimed March 15 as his birthday. The last time I talked to him was over sixteen years ago, when I dropped by his apartment to complain about my crappy roommate experiences. Unfortunately, I was too young, stupid, and self-absorbed to pay attention to whether or not he was having a good day, month or year. As a result, our entire encounter that day consisted of me bitching, and him putting up with me because he was too polite to tell me to shut it. Some weeks later, he took his own life.

I was not exceptionally close to him when he left, but having known him for many years, I felt a terrible loss. Selfishly, the thing that sticks with me years later is how when I last saw him I was too busy complaining about my own circumstances to ask him a simple question: “How are you?”

There’s an obvious lesson here, and while I learned it a long time ago, it took me many years of practice to make it a part of my daily life. To talk about the specifics would probably be too self-involved and uninteresting to the vast majority of the people who read this, but for better or worse, it’s part of what makes me who I am today. So no matter what, March 15 means something to me.

The small side story to my March 15 experience is that it was also the birthday of a girl I once had feelings for. The two of us got along quite well for a few months, and then, to borrow an oft-used phrase, IT ALL WENT TO HELL. I was basically told to take an unceremonious permanent hike, and after some pushing and pulling, I took the hint.

Since I met this girl only a year after my friend died and she possessed the same birthday as him, I thought at the time that there might be some deeper meaning to our chance acquaintance. Obviously, back then I was a total moron who had read too many astrology books, and was so self-absorbed that I would fool myself into thinking something so patently absurd. My teenage years are filled with similar tales of self-aggrandizing idiocy.

March 15 also reminds me of that girl, but whereas once it meant bitterness and regret, I now feel only a mild annoyance - kind of like if someone mentions to me how damn good The Drummer is. To further pad this trip down useless memory lane, a couple of years ago the girl sent me an email with a “How are you, I’m doing great, sorry about back then” message - which happened to be a full ten years since the last time I spoke to her. I never replied to her email because not everything in our lives should be canonized as having meaning, and frankly this situation is one of them. Sometimes, things should be left where they are: in the past and forgotten.

I’m not sure why I chose to write about this subject on Damn You, Kozo! because it doesn’t really fit the blog’s usual “Damn You, [random celebrity]!” M.O. Still, the story does have some roundabout connection to LoveHKFilm.com besides the March 15 thing. After my friend died, I became closer to his older sister, and in 1993 she and another once-dear friend took me to a little movie called Days of Being Wild - which became the first Hong Kong film I ever saw that didn’t involve John Woo or Jackie Chan.

Also, when that girl I once liked e-mailed me ten years later, she found me through, duh, LoveHKFilm.com. Perhaps I should have used the Internet’s famous anonymity to my advantage when creating this website, but I did not foresee that it would last past year two of its existence. Had I known things would end up this way, I would have hidden my identity, or at least found a way to pretend that Kozo is tall, handsome, and still in his twenties.

Oh well, too late to change the past. Thanks for reading this far. As a result of this post, LoveHKFilm.com’s Alexa ranking just dropped another 3745 spots.

To end this, here’s a fun photo of a little girl pwning Eason Chan:

“Hey, that hurts! Why you little…”

I have yet to share my experience at Aaron Kwok’s recent Hong Kong concert, though this picture is likely worth a thousand words:

“I’m just acting! Really!”

I’ll remember to talk about it in detail one day, but I can probably sum it up right now in one word: fabulous.

Back to the main subject of this post: Ekin Cheng’s manager, Sandy Lamb San-San reportedly told media today that Ekin would hold a concert somewhere in Hong Kong to celebrate his twentieth(!) year in the entertainment industry. It likely won’t be at the Hung Hom Coliseum because sadly, Ekin probably isn’t big enough for that venue anymore.

But who cares? It’s an Ekin Cheng concert and I’m in Hong Kong to see it. I can’t begin to tell you how long I’ve waited for this day.

I predict my experience at the concert will involve the following:

- The concert will start late because all Hong Kong concerts start late. I predict at around 8:15 pm.
- Ekin will wear something shiny.
- Jordan Chan will be the guest performer and they’ll talk about how old they are.
- I will bring a neon sign with “梁詠琪” printed on it.*
- At 8:18 pm, I’ll attempt to throw a DVD copy of For Bad Boys Only at Ekin’s head to let him know that I’m still upset about paying to see it in the theater. Thanks to YesAsia.com’s previous “Buy 3 Get 1 Free” campaign, I now own multiple copies of the DVD so I’ll have multiple chances to tag him in the noggin. If I bring some VCDs, I can double my ammunition.
- I’ll hire someone to run up on stage to heckle Ekin for every single time he killed or help kill Roy Cheung or Francis Ng in a movie. I count six times, for Young and Dangerous, Young and Dangerous 3, Young and Dangerous 4, Born To Be King, A Man Called Hero, and Heroic Duo. I’ll throw in a seventh and eighth time for Infernal Affairs 2 because both Roy and Francis died in that, and I believe Ekin was responsible even though he didn’t appear in the film.
- At 8:23 pm, I’ll fend off my first attack from irate fans. I may bring pepper spray.
- At 8:27 pm, I’ll be escorted out by 4 security guards, one of whom will say to me, “I love your site, even though I don’t always agree with your reviews.”
- On my way out I’ll buy a ticket for the second concert to continue pursuing my dream.

Sadly, I probably won’t even be able to make it inside the second concert because members of the Ekin Cheng Forum will show up in force to stop me, likely assisted by their irate boyfriends, who have been forced to skip a PSP ad-hoc wireless party to beat up some guy outside the Ekin Cheng concert.

I cannot predict the outcome of the ensuing melee, but I hope Roy Cheung or Francis Ng appear to back me up. Roy and Francis, if you’re reading this, please show up. Thanks to Exiled and Once Upon a Time in Triad Society 2, I believe you both have the ability to kick ass.

If you’re in Hong Kong at the time, I welcome you to show up and support my cause. If anyone needs extra incentive, I found this photo on my hard drive:

T-shirts don’t lie

Actually, I would like to own a shirt like that too.

*梁詠琪 = Gigi Leung Wing-Kei

This picture may get used more than any photo on this blog, because it’s so ripe for comedy that I simply can’t let it go. I apologize in advance for beating a dead horse.

“Dammit, Edison! Stop asking Maggie if she wants a hot dog!
This place doesn’t even have a snack bar!”

In related news, Edison Chen has inspired copycats.

I would comment more on this, but I have to check all my flash drives to see what’s stored on them.

It’s been a while.

Running LoveHKFilm.com and its associated businesses, subsidiaries, and licensed properties can sometimes be quite a chore. Even when I ignore its main product - film reviews - I’m usually dealing with a related commitment, be it a favor or freelance job acquired through the site, emails in relation to the site, or personal meetings having something to do with the site. Since I now live and work in Hong Kong because of the site, I can now count almost everything I do every day as something having to do with the site. When you put it in those terms, the whole thing can feel slightly alarming.

Back to the main point: I owe LoveHKFilm.com some new reviews soon, which is no big deal because that’s the way the site works. Without new reviews, LoveHKFilm.com would become a shadow of its former self, a 35 year-old statue guarding the lane while speedy guards blow past me for an easy layup. That’s right, just like Shaquille O’Neal.

“I am the greatest! Well…I was about six years ago.”

However, since the inception of Damn You, Kozo! I have gained a new responsibility: I now owe this blog some posts, which is more difficult to handle than I first thought. There are two reasons for this. 1) I have lots of ideas, but lack the time and energy for proper execution, and 2) I have yet to master the art of the short blog post. If I could somehow satisfy myself with a 200-word blog post I’m sure I could become ultra-prolific.

I also seem to enjoy putting lots of pictures on my posts. If I simply broke that habit I’m sure I could double or triple my output.

Then again, how can I resist posting photos like these:

“Edison is so dreamy…except his skin is dull
and fatigued. He should use L’OREAL Hydra
Energetic moisturizing gel cream to hydrate
and reduce his skin’s natural pastiness.
Because he’s worth it.”

Speaking of Daniel Wu’s pitchman abilities, they’ve apparently claimed another victim. Just a week or so ago, I celebrated my latest birthday, and someone - after getting a load of this blog post - saw fit to present me with my own can of L’OREAL Hydra Energetic moisturizing gel cream, so I too can tighten, hydrate, and, uh, anti-dull my skin.

The first step towards meterosexuality

I think the above qualifies as a Sign of the Apocalypse.

My birthday is only the most recent thing that’s eaten up time. There was also an ill-timed bout of sickness, and your usual things such as work, weather, and Sexy Photos Gate, which has been covered respectably by our sister blog, The House Where Words Gather. I commend Sanney’s ability to dissect the issue intelligently and without active bias. I have the ability to do neither, because when I see the Sexy Photos Gate-related photos that Apple Daily has seen fit to unearth, I can’t help but make jokes about them.

By the way, did you know that Edison recently survived an assassination attempt?

The assassin (right) almost got the drop on Edison Chen (center),
but the grey-suited bodyguard (left) intervened quickly,
using his Index Finger of Death (TM) to strike the assassin
in the throat, instantly rendering him mute, unconscious,
and unable to participate in any future karaoke activity.

Apple Daily is a treasure trove of fab celebrity photos. They’ve outdone themselves with their coverage of Sexy Photos Gate, but there are plenty of non-Edison pictures available in their fine daily postings, too. Frankly, I have so many fun photos saved up by now that I have no idea when or how to use them.

Here are a few examples:

Zhang Ziyi’s pink dress also doubles as a personal space protector

Upon meeting, the two Wongs
discovered that their individual
filmographies share many similarities.

Media Asia boss Peter Lam, Johnnie To, Shu Qi, and Miriam Yeung.
There’s a real story behind this photo but it’s more fun
to look at it and make up your own. It can be a contest.

Apple Daily rules.

Anyway, time for some navel gazing.

Lee Hyo-Lee.
Or is it Lee Hyolee or Lee Hyori?
Inconsistent romanization only
makes Google Image Search more difficult.

Fourteen months ago, I started LoveHKFilm.com’s current update schedule, which is known as “Whenever I feel like it.” Originally, that was done to prevent the grind of the two-week update, but it actually caused me to update the site far more than I originally used to. What I discovered was that site updates were not dependent on a fixed time interval or even my mood, but only upon the movies that I see.

Recently, LoveHKFilm.com has gone three weeks without new reviews, which is pretty unusual. That’s all because the movies I’ve seen all fall into one of two categories: A) movies that already have reviews on LoveHKFilm.com and B) movies that shouldn’t be reviewed by LoveHKFilm.com. Here’s what I saw recently:

Movies that already have reviews on LoveHKFilm.com:
Blood Brothers (dir. Chang Cheh, 1973)
Bullet and Brain (dir. Keung Kwok-Man, 2007)

Movies that shouldn’t be reviewed by LoveHKFilm.com:
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (dir. Julian Schnabel, 2007)
Sweeney Todd (dir. Tim Burton, 2007)
Enchanted (dir. Kevin Lima, 2007)
Vantage Point (dir. Pete Travis, 2008)

So to assuage the three people who are wondering why the site has been so quiet, that’s the reason why: because I’m not seeing anything that I need to review. Not to worry; soon Empress and the Warriors, Playboy Cops, Shamo, and Fatal Move will get released, which means I’ll have some new movies to eviscerate review. March also sees the release of L for Love, L for Lies, the new travesty effort from Patrick Kong, auteur of twin terrors delights Marriage with a Fool and Love is Not All Around. It’s going to be a busy month.

However, it’ll also be a busy month for another reason: the Hong Kong International Film Festival. This year marks my fourth year in Hong Kong, but this will be the first year I go insane and check out 21 films at the HKIFF, a number that guarantees to send me straight to hell.

If you’re curious, here’s the lineup:

3/18 Candy Rain (7:15pm)
3/18 Drifting Flowers (9:30pm)
3/20 I Just Didn’t Do It (6:45pm)
3/21 Winds of September - Taiwan (7:15pm)
3/21 Winds of September - China (9:45pm)
3/22 City Without Baseball (6pm)
3/22 Besieged City (9pm)
3/23 Home Song Stories (12:30pm)
3/23 Run Papa Run (6pm)
3/23 A Decade of Love (8:45pm)
3/24 Kabei (3pm)
3/26 In Love We Trust (7:15pm)
3/27 The Way We Are (7:15pm)
3/29 First Born Unicorn (9pm)
3/30 Soul of a Demon (12:30pm)
3/30 Sex is No Laughing Matter (6pm)
4/2 Winds of September - Hong Kong (7:15pm)
4/4 Love is Elsewhere (6pm)
4/6 Coffee or Tea (6pm)
4/12 A Brighter Summer Day (7pm)
4/13 Mahjong (5pm)

You can read all about the movies here.

All of the above are Asian films without reviews on LoveHKFilm.com. Quite obviously, this means two things:

1) If you want to kick my ass, now you know where I’ll be and when. I couldn’t make this any easier for you.

2) I may have to resort to the “800 words or less per review” rule I instituted during last fall’s Hong Kong Asian Film Festival. Hell, I may do that one better and go for a “600 words or less per review” rule, because there will be regular Hong Kong movies coming out alongside the above 21 movies. Who knows if I’ll survive the experience. If I do, that means more reviews for everyone. If not, that means I’ll have given up and the Internet will have one less self-proclaimed, questionably-qualified film reviewer. I see winners in either eventuality.

Regardless, I look forward to the fest, because seeing movies without expectations is much more enjoyable than seeing a film after being inundated with print and television advertising. Admittedly, I haven’t seen a lot of advertising yet for Playboy Cops, but the poster doesn’t inspire me with much confidence:

They kick ass AND have fun. What could be better?

Managing expectations is the key to enjoying modern cinema. That didn’t help me much at Kung Fu Dunk, but everyone who I’ve talked to about the film enjoyed it a lot more than I did, with some of them actually saying, “After listening to you, I expected the worst, but it wasn’t that bad!” I’ve also had similar responses after lending people my copy of D-War. It could be our new tagline:

Lowering Expectations Since 2002

Anyway, we’ll see if we can handle our March-April workload. If we can, I’d consider it an achievement. In the meantime, I’ll attempt to perfect the art of shorter blog posts, in order to keep this thing going on a semi-weekly to bi-weekly basis. And if worst comes to worst, I’ll just post funny pictures. I have tons of those.

“Dammit, Edison! I told you to exfoliate and hydrate
every other day! Now your skin is oily and improperly
balanced! You’ll never get rid of that shine now!”